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the selfless narcissist

Two facts about me:  I am fat and I have high self-esteem.

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These two things can be incongruous in today's society, so much so that there is often anger directed at people who are overweight and  not actively engaging in self-loathing.  Beyond the specific fat/not fat dynamic, there is, in my opinion, a general misconception that one cannot think highly of themselves without, in some sense, putting others down.  We have become engaged in a linear way of thinking that I think is not only limiting, but generally destructive.  We view each other as if on a ladder—I am here; everyone is above or below me.   Is there a way to even the proverbial playing field?

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As I mentioned, I have always thought highly of myself.  I looked in the mirror and saw someone great. I also knew, however, that the person I saw did not meet many standards set by society which qualified someone as “beautiful”.   So, in defiance, and as a reminder to myself, I became vocal in my self-fondness. I would get ready to out with friends and say “I am so pretty.” to my reflection. This was met with mixed reviews.  Some friends would laugh, some would compliment my confidence, and some (many) just thought I was full of myself.

The notion put forth by others that I was simply conceited gained momentum in college.  I was studying music and there were more opportunities to feel good about myself—and then shout it from the hills.  

 

But, I was fat and talented, and the incongruity of my fatness with my field was noticeable.  The fat girl is not the lead. She is not the ingenue. She is certainly not Mimi dying of tuberculosis.  So I bared down once more, proclaiming my talent and beauty to those around me, trying to convince the world, and myself, that my body did not preclude my success.

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There is a word for people like this: Diva.

You do not want to be a diva.  No one likes a diva. No one hires a diva.  One should be humble and simply exist in their talent without drawing attention.  This was the message I was getting.

 

Once I was bemoaning the fact that, after a particularly thrilling performance of Je veux vivre, I had not received the praise I felt I deserved (in hindsight a dramatic and unnecessary statement), and my friends’ response shocked me to the core.

“We don’t compliment you because you compliment yourself enough.”

 

This was an infuriating and ludicrous statement.  Sure, I was giving myself all the validation I needed.  But I still craved, and I think we all crave, affirmation from the people I cared for most.  I wanted to know that they saw what I saw.  My friends’ reactions were (a) she doesn’t need help from us, and (b) ​we shouldn’t encourage her.

 

Well.

(A) Everyone needs help.  Even confident people have self-doubt, and

(B) We should all be encouraging one  another constantly in finding and expressing joy in who we are.

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There should be no limit to your self-praise.  

There should also be no limit to your praise and encouragement of those around you.  Participating in one of these does not need to have any negative effect on the other.

 

As the saying goes “a rising tide lifts all boats”, right?  (I know, I know, they are talking about the economy.  But it applies!) Wouldn’t it be great if we all just, you know, loved each other and ourselves??  

 

I think I’m fucking great.  I do. Whether or not that confidence is based on concrete or self-imposed reality is irrelevant.  I am great because I exist. You are great because you exist.

I have often been called “selfish”—I don’t think that’s right.  Selfish is when you “[lack] consideration for others” and are only concerned with your own pleasure.  Now, a Narcissist is one who has “an excessive interest or admiration” of themselves.  This I can get on board with. I fully believe we can ​be excessively interested and proud of ourselves while still thinking of others and wanting the same for them.  

I don’t think we run any risk of the love-well running dry.

 

We should all be able to actively and vocally engage in both self-love and affirmation of others.  We should be able to build ourselves up without feeling superior, and build others up without feeling inferior.

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We can all be selfless narcissists.

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