Two years ago, I had just started a new job, had recently lost 100 lbs and was yearning for, if reluctant to embark upon, romantic endeavors that had previously seemed beyond my grasp. The new job came with a new best friend, a brilliant lawyer who was, how do I say this, more romantically experienced than me? At that point in my life, romantic encounters were sparse. I was tip-toeing around a few potential online matches without having the balls to take anyone up on their offers. But one drunken night, this friend gave me a firm nudge and she and I (she being fresh out of a long-term relationship) jumped head first into the dating deep-end.
It’s no secret that women find more success with online dating than men. We (with a third single friend, also drowning in men) were no different. We had more than enough romantic fodder, and after each date we would return to the group chat to compare varying levels of chivalry, who paid, how big it was, whether or not that really mattered… and as was to be expected from three top-notch ladies out for a few laps around the dating pool, there was a pretty high rate of turn-over. It became hard to remember if it was Jack or John who held the door, if it was Martin or Michael who had the underwhelming kiss, and a girl can only go out with so many Brendans before she loses track.
…it’s just really fun to say “goin’ out with 2 Chainz tonight”.
As we navigated bad pick-up lines and first dates and butterflies and disappointments, we realized we needed to something to help us keep things in line. We needed to create some kind of order, both logistically and emotionally. So we created the Bae-o-matic.
The Bae-o-matic was simply a collaborative data-entry system. You had to actually meet the guy for him to make it onto the o-matic, so after each first date we would methodically enter details into a spreadsheet, both for our own reference and for, well, posterity’s sake! Maybe the information we collected would prove useful to future daters. Categories on the Bae-o-matic included:
Who initiated the conversation
Where you met
Initial redeeming characteristics
First Date (when and where)
Fuckboi* (Y/N)
War and Peace (Y/N), and of course
Bae-lias
The “Bae-lias” (get it, like “alias”) was the name we used to refer to each suitor in conversation. It’s a lot easier to remember which guy your friend is referring to when she says “Symphony Bae” or “F Bae I” than if she just says “Will” for the thousandth time. I went out with a guy who we called 2 Chainz, both because his mom lived relatively close to 2 Chainz’s Atlanta home, and because it’s just really fun to say “goin’ out with 2 Chainz tonight”.
*Note: all men entered into the Bae-o-matic either are a fuckboi, or they are TBD. They are TBD until they lock it down for life. Trust no fuckboi.
So we filled up the Bae-o-matic. If a first date turned into a second or a third, we would take notes accordingly. If someone was exceptionally horrible we would leave reminders for each other to memorialize the dickishness and guard against any potential backsliding. If I ever found myself home alone — a little further into that bottle of wine than I intended, and wondering why it was that I stopped talking to whats-his-name — I could look at the o-matic and be reminded of all the reasons why I did not want to text him.
…in a world when men often have the upper hand, the Bae-o-matic gave us a sense of power and control.
Not everyone was onboard, though. My sister was not a fan of the Bae-o-matic. She thought we were objectifying men. But, in a world when men often have the upper hand, the Bae-o-matic gave us a sense of power and control. And in a city where the predominant industry is predominantly brilliant men who are predominantly assholes, the Bae-o-matic helped us keep our hearts in check when we may have otherwise been carried away.
It’s very easy — when you are out with a handsome engineer who is intelligent and cultured and seemingly well-rounded and pays for your dinner — to get ahead of yourself. As it turns out, men who are intelligent and cultured can also be dicks. As it turns out, men who are intelligent have learned how to tell you what you want to hear so that they can gets what they want. And even though I am an intelligent, independent women, in the candlelight, on a clear San Francisco evening, it was so easy to fall for that engineer, to make more of a date than it was, to get ahead of myself.
But the Bae-o-matic made it harder to get ahead of myself. As I entered the metrics of my date I was able to reflect back on the conversations and actions in a non-romantic context and see the date for what it was. And sometimes what it was was a great date! But other times it was not, and I might not have see the truth of the situation had I not been in a data-driven mindset. The Bae-liases were helpful, too. My sister may have had a point with this one — we were objectifying them. In a way, we made these men less human, less real. The Bae-lias added a bit of caricature to each man: “Taco Bell Bae”, “Dr. Bae”, “Bae and Bougie”. If they weren’t a real person, we couldn’t fall too hard for them. By giving them a name, we gave ourselves a little more control.
Just over a year’s worth of hopes and growth and heartbreak, memorialized with conditional formatting.
As it happens, all three of us are know boringly and happily in committed relationships. But the Bae-o-matic remains. Just over a year’s worth of hopes and growth and heartbreak, memorialized with conditional formatting. My life is still made of more single years than coupled years, and it’s nice to look back and know I can do it. I can be single and happy and uncompromising a vulnerable and come out the other end, if not unscathed, undeterred. Our past baes have been archived but not deleted. We have hidden away the men that were not worth our time, and now the main mage of the spreadsheet shows each of our three partners — the Official Baes. And under “Fuckboi”, all three of them are still “TBD”.