I can’t remember how I came across it — I don’t even think it was in the context of anything particularly sexy — but one day, while browsing for something or other on the internet I came across a pornographic Tumblr page focused on mature natural women. Pornographic may even be a stretch. It was just photos of women with no clothes on. They didn’t appear to be in any uncomfortable or undesired situations or positions. There were no salacious or disrespectful captions or comments, only comments on their inherent sexiness.
I find it is difficult to discuss porn in any graceful manner. Even as society becomes more progressive and conversation becomes more open and accepting, porn remains a subject that is still largely taboo. When discussed with friends who I know share my opinions (and consumption) of porn, there is often an acknowledgement of the oddity, the novelty of talking about porn openly — we lower our voices, we use euphemism, etc.
And that’s because there is still a lot of porn that is just gross. The rape fantasy, the child abuse, the humiliation… in my opinion, most of porn really sucks.
Despite this, though, we watch it. We may not all talk about it, but we do — out of curiosity, out of desire, for education, what have you. In more mundane ways, we are introduced to at least certain aspects of porn at very young ages, in the multitude of marketing campaigns with half-naked women hinting at the possibility that your sexual fantasy could become your sexual reality… if you buy this burger. Porn is a part of our life whether we like it or not.
The harmful impacts of this ubiquitousness, both subtle and not, make the taboo understandable. But, while harmful themes may run throughout the majority of porn, they do not qualify the entirety.
Seeing those women, simply being themselves, only naked, changed something for me. I had never before observed porn in the context of appreciating rather than objectifying.
(I will say that, while it appeared that nothing untoward was happening in these photos, it is still entirely possible that they were posted without these women’s consent — another very problematic aspect of porn and it’s regulation.)
Seeing those women, simply being themselves, only naked, changed something for me.
But something about these women, and the positive and unabashed sexual attention they were being given, simply for being women, was arousing. Not arousing in the sense that I wanted to be with these women, but arousing in the sense that I too might be arousing, just maybe, just for being a woman.
This was groundbreaking. As a fat person I had been taught by society that to have a sexual experience I had two options: Lose weight and emulate the ‘traditional’ sexy girl — the ones we are subjected to in day-to-day ‘marketing porn’ — or be the object of a fetish.
Neither of these were ideal, but I craved a sexual relationship that was an extension of a loving relationship. There was no way that I would find that if someone was only turned on by the size of my body and not what was inside, so I went with the former. The only problem was that, generally, when the root of your desire to change is that you believe your current self is not good enough, you enter a cycle of self loathing that makes any real sustainable change practically impossible.
I realized I had, in a way, been fetishizing myself.
But when I discovered that there were people being sexy and pornograhic in the world who didn’t have fake boobs and six packs, who had saggy boobs and stretch marks, and nothing about them was being objectified, my world suddenly opened.
I discovered a few small pornographic tumblrs devoted to actual admiration and appreciation of larger bodies in a sexual context. They show couples where one or both partners are larger and are engaging in consensual and respectful sexual activity.
If they could do it I could do it. Before, when I would engage in sexual fantasy, it would involve a thinner version of myself. Watching porn with an overweight protagonist, allowed me to conjure a feasible, if still imaginary, scenario in which I could be a sexual protagonist — without having to change anything. And folks, if you can dream it, you can achieve it.
Putting your own opinions of porn aside, learning I could be sexy without any physical alterations is a pretty important outcome. Watching women that looked like me having sex — not being smacked around or choked or embarrassed, but being made love to — completely changed the way I saw myself and the way I approached relationships.
I realized I had, in a way, been fetishizing myself. By believing that I could not be loved in a physical way as a fat person was playing into the idea that fatness was deviant, that being fat is wrong. And it is not. Viewing myself as sexual allowed me to give value to my body in a new way — learning to believe in my own sexuality has given me greater self worth.
My point is that everyone is sexy, just for existing!
My point is not that “fat is sexy”. My point is that everyone is sexy, just for existing! Sex is so fun and important and is so much more about the non-physical things than the physical things. And it wasn’t until, by witnessing the physical act, and accepting my own sexual physicality, that I could release myself from physical expectation and just enjoy the ride.