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it doesn't have to be special to be special

I lost my virginity when I was 25.

To many that may seem late, to some it may seem early (if you consider the fact that I was and am still very much un-married).

But for me, it was perfect.

I have spent my entire life over-weight, and growing up that pretty much meant I was un-dateable. I was the funny friend, the class-clown, the diva, but never the girlfriend. I had a boyfriend toward the end of college, and one in grad school (though he would never admit that - a story for another day), but I never “went all the way” with them. I had a few reasons for waiting, but the real-est one was that I hated my body. I did not see myself as a sexual being and so I could not begin to fathom someone else viewing me that way. I was so embarrassed of my body that even in my relationships with men who were kind and reassuring in how they viewed me, I would not ever fully undress.

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Then I lost weight. Not all the weight, but a substantial amount - 90lbs in just over a year. And as you might imagine, with this loss I gained the attention of a much larger pool of men than I ever had before. (I also gained a slew of relationship-adjacent insecurities, but again, another time...)  Long story short, with the help of a slimmer waistline, a few dating apps, and a best friend who was equally supportive and sexually active, I jumped in the GD deep end.

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We gave each new suitor their own Bae-lias (get it— like alias?), both to protect identities, and because you can only ate so many Brandens before you start mixing them up.  So to that end, I would like to introduce 2Chainz - named because his mom was sort of neighbors with the real 2Chainz and because it’s VERY fun to say “going out with 2Chainz tonight”.

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2 Chainz was the fourth man I met online and subsequently dated in real life. We went on two lovely but mild dates, both ending with just a hug. After our second date he texted me and said he wished he had kissed me. In hindsight that may have been a foreshadowing of the fuckboy to come….

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Anyway—third date we did some good drinking and some good kissing and finally made our  way back to his place, where, you guessed it:

 

we banged.

There were no fireworks. This was not a man I was in love with. It was not special. At least, not in the way people usually describe. Don’t get me wrong—it was good.  2 Chainz, if you ever read this, you were great, and it was special, but not because of you.  It was special because I felt completely in control of the situation.  I had made the decision to have sex with this man.  He had not pressured me, I did not feel manipulated or guilted by the multiple nice meals he had paid for.  I was ready.  So I did it.  I had been in situations before where sex was clearly an option and had decided against it.  But this time I went for it—and I knew going into the date that I was going for it, and that made all the difference in the world.

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I lost my virginity on my terms, and continue to live my sex life on my terms. I slept with 2 Chainz on our third date. And I slept with the next guy I dated on our second date. And occasionally, if things are going super well, I sleep with men on the first date.  And sometimes I wait much longer. There are no rules people, There is no right way to be in a relationship, there are only wrong ways - being a person is hard enough, and being a person linked with another person is impossible.  So the best thing you can do is be in charge of yourself, be kind to yourself, and feed yourself with experiences that make you feel good.

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It just so happens that my second sexual experience with 2 Chainz did not make me feel good, and I immediately removed myself from it, and from him.  I still do not regret sleeping with him.  

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A year and a half later I still have no regrets, and I am so glad that my first time was not brought about by dizzy infatuation, but one of mature self-awareness. That doesn’t sound very romantic, but it has colored each of the following experiences in a way that makes me feel in control,  which makes me more confident, which makes the sex better.

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I can’t help but anticipate that this opinion will paint me as a fuddy-duddy.  I want to be very clear that my point is not a warning against sex, an imposition of a sexual timeline, or that two people need to be in love for the sex to be great.  

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My point is: do it for yourself, dammit.

 

Do it because you know who you are and you know what you want. Wait.  Don’t wait.  Just don’t compromise.

© The Champagne of People - April 2018

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